So I would shower after every encounter and crawl back inside myself to emotionally recover…. On his unwitting shoulders I let fall the weight of my unhealed pain, my open and bleeding wounds. Every ignorant youthful misstep by him became Everest in my mind as I slowly unsaddled the heavy bags of my past onto him.
I grew up in a harsh neighborhood, drugs, violence and poverty the norm.
Children locked out of their homes, running the streets all day, hungry, fed only on the broken words and actions of those around them. Sex was about taking, using, coping, feeding the carnal. Used to drown innocence, to control, manipulate and claim.
Suddenly something so taboo and dark, in my experience, becomes a godly thing of beauty, intimacy, love and joy. On an almost daily basis I was sexually solicited.
By kids I ran the streets with, practicing the words they heard the adults in their lives saying, by teenagers who had started putting actions to words they had long spoken, by adults so lost and broken they would call to me at 9 years old. I was sexually abused by a female neighbor.
Masterclass a dirty guy having joy outside sexy photo
Neither did the men in my neighborhood, but they exposed me to lasciviousness, perversion, selfishness. My wrong response in my young heart was that men were not safe and untrustworthy, that given the opportunity they would take without permission, use without care and control me.
Even with my mistrust of them, my broken heart wanted affirmation and approval from men so I gained it by giving myself bit by bit to them. I also used it to feel powerful. Because of the abuse against me, I would use my body and what I could do as a tool to gain a false sense of power over men.
I would purposely give them no doubt that I would say yes and then I would shut it down and walk away before they were able to gain anything from it.
I never let anyone bring me to orgasm because that was too vulnerable and giving them too much power. Everything I had learned about sex in my hood I put into practice, walking in the same spirit of debauchery, brokenness and selfishness that had hurt me. I had just given my life back to the Lord when I met JT. I had grown weary with my management of my life because the fruit it produced was rancid, rotten.
I had become what I hated, cold, vicious, vindictive. My body and mind felt sick because I was living so far outside of the order God had designed. JT was charismatic and driven and I refused to like him. Now I am supposed to receive it, I am supposed to see the desire of God for his church in it. I am supposed to understand that the pleasure in A dirty guy having joy outside is a glimpse from the Father of the pleasure we will experience in heaven.
I am supposed to give and be completely open, vulnerable, naked in front of the person that, because of his sex, represented so much fear, pain and scarring. All of those places beautifully and caringly designed by my Daddy God, had been twisted, broken, obliterated.
I had no psychological or emotional reference for what God-ordained sex looked or felt like.
So for years, I did it as a wifely duty for my husband and if I wanted pleasure, would allow myself to fall into my carnal mind and take it. People often ask me what the big deal about sex before marriage is, or fooling around before marriage is. When I was living for myself and giving myself away, I never felt guilt or conviction and that was an even greater excuse, in my mind, to keep acting the way I was.
Not just because I had dealt with abuse but because I was acting outside of the order Dad had created my heart, mind and body to act. Intimacy, joy, love, vulnerability in the bedroom come from an intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father.
He wrote the sex blueprints, read Song of Solomon.
Gregor: I`m affectionate and beautiful. I love making my home cozy, cooking tasty dishes. I appreciate life and every moment of life. I pace firmly and positively through life.
He designed our bodies to heat up with certain types of touch and kissing. The orgasm was His design and the million ways to get there, in a loving, committed marriage relationship. In my relationship with JT, I had to decide to allow the Holy Spirit to come in and rewire my brain, restore and heal my heart and change the habits of my body.
I had fed mistrust, pain and perversion for so long by my own actions. We forget how sacred covenant is to our Father, how serious he is about us and takes us.
How much of a Dad he is in wanting to protect and guard our hearts. Wether or not you know or perceive it, physical intimacy outside of marriage comes with ramifications.
I assumed my recoiling from JT was purely based on my past abuse experience but through time and understanding know that A dirty guy having joy outside also had to do with how protective of me he was physically before we were married. A woman wants to know that her mind and heart will be protected by her mate, but also that her body will. Will you protect my body at a cost to your physical pleasure?
I had to learn that JT was not my enemy or the dumping ground for the wounds and pain of my youth. Freedom from the side effects of my experiences the enemy wanted to keep me bound to. Dad sets boundaries so we can enjoy each other and Him in fullness, nothing withheld.
We cheat ourselves out of that when we step outside of his provision like Adam and Eve did. They had to leave the garden, not because of an angry, tyrannical God, but because God knew that if they stayed and ate from the Tree of Life, they would be doomed to live forever in their sin, revealed by eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.